Send Me On My Way

To go anywhere, you always have to leave the place before. That's the hardest part for me. 

I'm a bit of a baby. I cry pretty easily and think that my life (and the world) is ending way before its time and at the smallest of situations. 

Every time I leave Dubai I can't help myself from crying and every time I go back to Dubai from England, I am hit with a wave of sadness at leaving. It probably doesn't help that I listen to songs like Let me love you by Mario (which used to make me upset as a child) and then a repeat of the Titanic theme song will resound without my calling on it. 

But I hope this time that some Pharell Williams will get stuck in my head this time!! :D

I didn't expect to be as upset about leaving my job as I was today. I had already been reeling of letters of appreciation in my head for weeks and finally putting into action my earlier preparation was sad. 

To be truthful, I didn't think that I warranted a leaving do or even a card. I had only been working there since March and viewed myself as a bit of a rusty spoon in the grand scheme of things; I had the potential to be useful but I probably wasn't the first choice implement for dinner service. 

So when I got hugs and loads of little letter written in a card, I was over the moon. 

Cards are some of my favourite things. 

I often think of places that it would be nice to be homeless in, as though they exist! When I walk round town or visit a new place and see a dry, cosy place , I make a mental note. 

If I'm ever homeless, that's where I'll go.

I pack for this unfortunate journey in my head, thinking of what things I would take. As well as a haversack stuffed with all my money and warn clothes and blankets, the other things getting shoved in there are my favourite selection of cards that others have written to me. I'd take my 16th and 18th birthday cards from my parents and brothers, leaving cards and my mini books of notes from college in Dubai when I graduated last year. (Is it weird that I've planned this so thoroughly?) 

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A couple of days ago, I spat out the most spontaneously philosophical sentence that I've ever thought of. To be honest somebody most probably had already got there before me but the concept was still novel to me and I prided myself on the fact that I had thought of it. 

I am a huge fan of the Humans of New York blog. I check it twice daily and especially in the morning to get some inspiration to kick start the day. One of the distinct photos I remember was a little girl posing in the street. She was asked: 

"What do you want to be when you're older?" 

To which she replied: 

"A person." 

Such a spontaneous nugget of her mind held such philosophical connotations for the entire human race. It encapsulated me. What is it, I thought, to be a person? Does anyone actually want to be what we now see as a person? 

It's such a conundrum! 

My auntie took me to Wimbledon last week. Everything was all a bit easy going and so when we came out the wrong exit we were unfazed to go back and correct our error. We were heading for Wimbledon station - not the one we had arrived from - and it was taking a while to walk up this hill and all through the town. 

After a while, my auntie said: 

"I hope we're going the right way." 

I replied: 

"I don't think it matters where you're going, as long as you know where you've come from."

Bam!!

I meant it as a comforting thought that f we did get lost, we could always retrace our steps and go back the way we were meant to go. 

As long as you know where you've come from. How clever of me! Ahaha! 

As I walked out of work today, my last ever shift, nothing rang more true than this statement. It didn't matter where I was going. I ought to remind myself of that. 

I know this statement isn't always true. Career-wise it's nice to know how high you can go, and probably for life, having some kind of plan is desirable. 

I have no idea where I am going now. I'm going back to Dubai, that's a given. But I what's next? I could do anything, go anywhere without another thought. I know what I've got in my back pocket: the experiences that I've learnt from work. I have the knowledge of where I've been. 

Unemployment is a scary limbo. Almost as scary as living under a bridge outside Macdonald's with your 16th birthday cards. 

I quite like spontaneity, it stops you from hindering yourself. If you have no plans, then you can accept everything. But not knowing when the next pay slip will come in when your running up a tally in rent and bills isn't something that I want to really think about. 

 

For me, it now doesn't matter where I'm going, so long as I go somewhere. I've come from a lack of experience to being accepted in a company that believed in me more so than I believed in myself. 

Nothing describes my time at work like the word: "lovely" - a word that I use all to often but that can do justice to the passion of happiness and delight. That or "sterling". 

So, no, when I find myself in a panicky rut (which I do quite often) I'll remember my own little quote: it doesn't matter where you're going, so long as you remember exactly where you came from. :D 

 

Vegan Sm-eegan!

Taking me away from my meat, is like trying to put a tutu on a fully grown Bengal tiger: highly dangerous and senseless. Taking me away from a steaming bowl of pasta drowning in thick cream sauce with cheese, is like trying to squeeze yourself through a paper shredder: you wouldn't even go there. And telling me that I can't eat chocolate would be like having a wailing, snotty-nosed toddler on your lap in the midst of a temper tantrum: you can't imagine.

So when I found myself seriously contemplating becoming a vegan I was taken aback by my own resolve. Talk about self-inflicted pain!

It was rather chance that I happened to take out a certain book from the library which got me started.

Like a true geek, I had been dying to get my full library card for the library in town and when the time came I was able to increase my loans from 2 books to 30 at a time! So, naturally,I went on a rampage pulling out everything from 1000s of things to do with eggs to Harry Potter to essays by C.S.Lewis. I looked round every section as though I had all the time in the world to read. I thought of everything I needed, everything I had been meaning to read up on and as I browsed the 'health' section I stumbled on a book of particular interest.

I knew I wasn't an unhealthy eater but I knew how much I ate. I pulled out a book: "Eating Less: Say Goodbye to Overeating". I glanced at it. It made sense. I wasn't about to start a diet but I did need to know when enough food was enough. I had previously looked for solutions online. The only one I remember is one that I constantly use when I get a little craving. Apparently, if you switch your cravings from food to something else, you'll no longer feel the urge to eat but to do whatever you thought about. The example they gave was craving going to the cinema. I use it all the time, but the last time I saw anything at the cinema was in November and I don't even remember the time before that.

I thought this book was a blessing. Whatever knowledgeable doctor had written it had just the right idea for me and I wasn't about to let the opportunity slip through my fingers. I added it to the stack of books I was resting on my hip. Then next to it I saw another: "The 21-Day Weight Loss Kickstart Diet".

To be honest, I have no idea why I picked it up. I can only think that it was for the rainbow coloured font down the spine. Anything with the word 'diet' in I tend to steer clear of. The word, for me, shouts TEMPORARY WEIGHT LOSS ON A DIET OF RICE CAKES AND CELERY STICKS. Alright if you like that sort of thing, apart from the fact that you're more than likely to bounce back to your starting weight when you give up or turn back to your old guilty pleasures. Diets aren't for me.

Nevertheless, I was aware that I was still suffering the adverse effect of too many student nights out.

I began reading and soon found how, according to these studies, potentially dangerous too much meat, fish, eggs, cheese and dairy was for you. The statistics made me look at meat differently. I suddenly wasn't so keen.

I also was reminded of the fact that vegetarianism and veganism could put an end to world hunger.

So after much more reading and meal planning, I decided I should try it.  

Today is the 28th of April. The 28th of May celebrates world hunger day. So, to me, it seems right that between now and then I should attempt to go vegan as a personal challenge. I have a feeling that it'll be a struggle but, without a doubt, I'm going to try my hardest. (I've got it sorted. Quorn and tofu at the ready!)

Make a wish!!

My 19th this year was different for so many reasons and it gave me time to think: this time next year I'll be 20 - 2 decades old - and suddenly that seems a lot OLDER!! True: after your 20th, there's your 21st, but after that people only start celebrating the 'BIG 30', 'BIG 40', 'BIG 50' ... You get the picture. And that means one of 2 things. Either you savor each 10 year interval for fear of having to circle yourself into another age group on membership forms or you wait in anticipation until you can have a big party! And if it's the latter category; you'll spend your life looking forward, overlooking the present.

Each year, the night of the 7th of April sees me in my bed having been told by multiple family members that "this is the last night of being ..." It sees me dribbling, half-falling out of the bed and changing my pyjamas without being concious of it. 

But this year, I flew back home and watched the hands of the clock turn to my birthday as we passed over a country dashed with a million little lights. I was alone but surrounded with hundreds of other passengers. I was watching films, eating curry and finishing off the packet of 'family-sized' popcorn I'd bought with me which had been an addition to breakfast, my entire lunch and now midnight snack. 

As I took in these surroundings, I spotted an opportunity. Ever the analyst, I saw this scene - being on a plane, without a care, in anticipation with many people I'd never met - as a pointer. Some sort of marker for the year to come. 

This birthday was different. Maybe this year: my last year of being a teenager (the last time I could excuse stupidity for naivety) ought to be something more than a routine living of life. Maybe it should mark time for some changes. Trying something new. And with the marathon plaguing social media, TV and conversations, I suddenly felt a little like I hadn't achieved what I could have had I put my mind to it. 

So I'm drawing up a list, like a bucket list, of a few things I could do. Not every one can run a marathon and I 100% fit into that category - if it hurts, I generally can't do it. But a thought a couple of things that would be good for me. I don't know how useful completing the Harry Potter series will be but I thought I ought to do since I never have. But it'll be some sort of achievement. 

So hopefully, when I check back next year, I will have done something that put my teen years out with a bang.